The Aftermath – Button Goes 3-13 at 2009 Oscars

We have done it people.

While we did not achieve our FULL goal of an 0-13 Buttonless Oscar ceremony, we did help to keep this never-ending disgrace from winning a single significant award.  All it got were technical awards: FX, Makeup, and Art Direction.   The O.A.B.B.C. would like to heartily thank each and every one of our supporters during these trying weeks leading up to Oscars and trying months since Button was unleashed upon our culture.  We have stood up and said ‘No more sh*t from you, Hollywood!  No more 3 hour slumber parties!  No more Oscar bait plots!’ And the Academy heard us loud and clear.
So where do we go from here?  Let’s move forward (unlike our nemesis, Mr. Button, who moves only backwards).  I guess we could protest the DVD release…  But then again, maybe we have greater work ahead of us.  Stay tuned.

The Big Show – O.A.B.B.C. Live Blogs The Oscars, Praying for 0-13

• 8:53pm Somewhere, an old, old baby is wailing inconsolably.
• 8:53pm Please bring back Jon Stewart next year.  (No offense Hugh)
• 8:52pm Best Picture of 2009 Oscar goes to… Slumdog Millionaire.  Button 3-13!  Overall: GIANT FAIL FOR BUTTON!  WHEEEEEEEEE!
• 8:51pm Extended Button montage – just threw up on my shirt.
• 8:49pm At this point, it is next to impossible that Button wins Best Picture.  It has lost EVERY ‘major’ award it’s been up for tonight.  Please let the streak continue…
• 8:48pm Worst Picture confirmation – Indiana Jones 4
• 8:47pm Best Picture prediction – Turner & Hooch!
• 8:44pm “Commie, homo-loving sons of guns”  Already most memorable line of the night.  Better writing than anything in 3 hours of Button hell.
• 8:43pm Sean Penn wins for Milk!  Wheeee!  (give em hell for Proposition 8!) Button 3-12. One more loss to go…
• 8:42pm Come on, Rourke!  You greasy sonofabitch!  Win this effing thing!
• 8:41pm Anthony Hopkins for Best Actor trying to convince us that Brad Pitt can act. NO BRAD PITT!
• 8:41pm Anthony Hopkins – SAY WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT BUTTON!  YOU KNOW IT’S A SHAM!
• 8:40pm Richard Jenkins would be the best surprise winner ever.
• 8:38pm Why isn’t Tony Danza one of the 5?
• 8:37pm REALLY liking this 5 winners from the past action on all the acting awards.
• 8:36pm Best Actor Music sounds like the Hockey Night In Canada theme (old one)
• 8:35pm Kate Winslet – did she just say “F*ck you so much!” to the Academy?   Regardless, such a class act.
• 8:32pm Best Actress goes to… Benjamin Button!
• 8:30pm Sophia Loren could use some Benjamin Button anti-aging magic.  Her skin looks like a tanned hide.
• 8:29pm Come on Kate Winslet…
• 8:25pm Best Actress coming up now.  Shirley Maclaine looks insane.
• 8:20pm Best Director Oscar goes to… Danny Boyle.  Hallelujah!  Button 3-11.
• 8:19pm Best Director from Reese Witherspoon.  PLEASE no David Fincher.  This would almost as bad as giving Eric Roth an Oscar for writing Button.
• 8:18pm No speech from Academy President – best new idea yet.
• 8:11pm Death applause meter winner for 2009: Paul Newman, justly deserved.
• 8:09pm Thanks to MSN Entertainment for pointing to the O.A.B.B.C.!
• 8:05pm Ewww: New Kraft Bagelfuls – basically a cream cheese twinkie. HURL. (off-topic)
• 8:00pm Two and a half hours in, nothing hugely exciting except Heath (which was totally predictable) so far.
• 7:56pm Original Song – Alicia Keys and Zac Effron presenting.  Isn’t it kind of insulting to ‘music’ have ZAC EFRON give out the Best Song?
• 7:54pm Original Score – Button loses to Slumdog.  YEEEEESSSS!  Button 3-10
• 7:52pm Violins… soooo sleepy.  Going for a Old Man Button nap.  Wake me when the awards come back.
• 7:50pm Music – PLEASE don’t start singing again….
• 7:44pm Jerry Lewis wins Humanitarian Oscar.  Such an embarrassing array of ‘goofy face’ pics behind him
• 7:41pm Tomorrow, watch etalk for all your Oscars coverage!  YES – I can’t wait to find out what happened at the Oscars tomorrow night at 7pm.
• 7:37pm Just got this comment:
  “please tell me you are eating low-cholesterol Oscar snacks. I am concerned for your hearts with each new button possibility”
  We are eating deep fried cajun catfish and drinking fermented swamp water.  The way things are going, we hope to end up in hospital and blot out the 3 wins so far.
• 7:34pm Film editing.  No Button worries here even though it’s nominated.  Winner is… Slumdog. Button 3-9
• 7:31pm Sound mixing.  Button loses. We were worried it was going to get to 50% win percentage.   Button 3-8.
• 7:29pm Dark Knight wins sound editing.
• 7:27pm FX goes to… Button! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  (They did make Pitt look AWFUL…) Button 3-7
• 7:26pm Got a BAAAAAD feeling about Button winning FX.
• 7:26pm They can take Brad Pitt and turn him into a garden gnome.  #buttonbash FTW!
• 7:25pm Action man Will Smith!  He LOVES action movies.
• 7:23pm Post-production time. Wheee!  A rock n’ roll montage that says – Oscar are versatile – we can ROCK, too (as well as do fancy musicals and dancing).
• 7:22pm Anyone else getting sick of CSI music-only promos on CTV?
• 7:07pm Oscar goes to… Heath.  Very nice. Family accepting, also very nice to see.  (See? O.A.B.B.C. has a heart.)
• 7:05pm Best Supporting Actor Oscar – how can this NOT be Heath?
• 7:02pm Kind of liking this ‘five winners from the past set up each nominee’ format.  Something new that’s nice and respectful.
• 7:01pm And we’re back from commercial… Best Supporting Actor time.  Button Threat Level – Zero.  No one nominated.
• 6:58pm The musical is back!  The only worse news would be “Benjamin Button 2 Greenlit”
• 6:56pm MARCHING BAND!  They’re pulling a Radiohead at the Grammies, except with ABBA!?!
• 6:55pm “You can’t stop the beat.”  We can’t stop the bile from rising up our esophagus.  HURL.
• 6:54pm Are they really singing songs from Grease??? WTF?
• 6:52pm Hugh’s back. Ugh.  Change has finally come.  Jackman: The musical is back, ladies and gentlemen.  O.A.B.B.C. HATES musicals and we hate LIVE musical tributes even MORE.  Hugh FTL.
• 6:49pm Some comfort – others have assured me that Button’s wins so far aren’t REAL awards.  Whew.
• 6:46pm EVERY ONE of the live action short movies look better than Button.  (Which SHOULD have been a short film and not a 3 hour turd filled with sedatives)
• 6:44pm Wrestling gags – face stapling FTW.
• 6:42pm New Judd Apatow short with James Franco and Seth Rogen.  Laughing at the Reader – pretty funny.
• 6:39pm Sci-tech awards highlights.  No Button excitement to be had here…
• 6:33pm Cinematography – and the Oscar goes to… Slumdog!  No Button!  O.A.B.B.C. emotions are up and down like a toilet seat.  Button 2-6.
• 6:31pm We’re back.  Cinematography.  Button is up for yet another one here.  Ben Stiller is doing Joaquin Phoenix!  AWESOME!
• 6:25pm Romance montage.  Barf.
• 6:24pm Oscar goes to BUTTON!!!! WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY???????  Button 2-5.
• 6:23pm Makeup – why do we feel Button’s got a shot here?
• 6:20pm Another Button category – Costume Design.  Please no…  YES!  A loss for Button. Back on track. Button 1-4.
• 6:19pm WORST NIGHT OF O.A.B.B.C.’s LIFE!
• 6:17pm Button wins! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  The dream is dead.  Button 1-3.
• 6:15pm Aaaand we’re back. Hugh is back. Designer awards. Butt clench time – this could be Button’s sneaky win of the night.  Art Direction is next…
• 6:07pm How can animation NOT be Wall-E?  Easiest pick of the night. (Besides Button losing everything)
• 6:02pm  Eric Roth loses!  Justive prevails… SO FAR.  Button 0-2!!!
• 6:00pm Best Adapted Screenplay.  This is THE most outrageous nomination of the night.  Eric Roth.  Shame on you for bastardizing Fitzgerald so.  It will be a crime against cinema if you win.  Fingers crossed for anything but Button.  (A.B.B.)
• 5:59pm Steve to Tina – don’t fall in love with me.  Awesome.
• 5:54pm Tina and Steve – comedy.  Yes.  This is good.  Great timing, great writing.  Scientology jokes!  Wheee!
• 5:51pm Do you think Tom Cruise is fuming that Penelope just won an Oscar?
• 5:49pm Oscar goes to Penelope Cruz.  Button 0-1. w00t! (what was up with Goldie Hawn’s dress? She and Whoopi could make a dynamic duo of tackiness)
• 5:45pm First test of Button tonight.  Taraji P. Henson, Best Supporting Actress.  Soooo nervous…
• 5:44pm FIVE people to award Best Supporting Actress.  OMG – Whoopi looks atrocious.  This is going on the Worsed Dressed List of all time instantly.
• 5:43pm Dear Lord – already our first effing montage and we’re less than 15 minutes in.  Ugh.
• 5:41pm Talking to Brad and Angela, nothing to say.  I guess you can’t say, “Congrats on making the WORST movie ever – you must be SO ashamed” on the broadcast.
• 5:41pm LOVE Mickey Rourke’s silver tooth.  HE would be an awesome Oscar host!
• 5:40pm Hugh schmoozing with the stars.  This feels like a bad standup gig with a guy trying to work the crowd.
• 5:34pm Okay, getting better – he did a nice little Button bashing and mentioned pubic hair, something WE haven’t even done yet! “When I was 4, my back was sore and I had pubic hair, I’m aging in reverse but no one seems to be aware.  You’d think the government would replicate my DNA. Somebody notify the press before I fade away.  Does anyone think this case was curious?”
• 5:33pm Is it wrong that we’re already missing Jon Stewart?  Hugh is seeming like Billy Crystal Light.
• 5:32pm Recession jokes.  And uh oh.  An opening number.  High school play style.  Feeling nauseous.
• 5:30pm It’s on – here’s Hugh, looking dapper. “It really is the biggest movie event of the year.”  Hopefully the biggest event because of setting a record for most losses by a single film.  NO BUTTON.

Oscar Pre-Show Live ButtonBlog

• Oscar leak – is it real or fake?  We’re on the fence.  On one hand, it’s horrible because Button wins a few awards, but one the other hand, it doesn’t win any of the BIG awards. Here’s the leaked document:

• 5:20pm Here come the accountants with the suitcases containing all the winners.  Please let there be no “Button” “Fincher” or “Pitt” envelopes in there.  PLEASE.
• OR was it actually Benjamin Button that showed up in his ‘Brad Pitt’ phase?
• So Brad actually showed up.  The nerve.  Although he didn’t give the red carpet gang too much time.  Probably because he was embarrassed that he’d be asked questions about Benjamin Button.

Oscar Menu To Celebrate The Defeat Of Button

If you’re looking for that very special way to allow your stomach to enjoy the ‘Reckoning Of Button’ tonight, epicuriuos.com has put together a list of meals suitable for each contender for Best Picture.  The Button menu is:

A Classic New Orleans Supper

Oysters Rockefeller “Deconstructed”

Sazerac

Jumbo Lump Crabcakes with Sweet Corn and Jalapeño

Artichokes Braised in Lemon and Olive Oil

Pouilly-Fumé

White Chocolate Bread Pudding with White Chocolate Sauce

One glaring oversight: they’ve forgotten about Button’s Bayou Bouillabaisse.

Ominous Foreshadowing?

If we were looking for a sign that the Academy has their heads screwed on properly and will be indeed delivering a goose-egg to Monsieur Button tonight, this surely ain’t it. Jerry Lewis is getting an honourary Oscar tonight.

Officially, this Oscar is doled out to those whose “humanitarian efforts have brought credit to the industry.” Unofficially, this award, like the honorary Oscar, can sometimes be a consolation prize for fading heavyweights who have never won in the regular race.

They give out Oscars because you’re a ‘fading heavyweight’ who has been a lifetime loser in Awardsville? Not to pessimistic on such a huge night, but we’ve got early stomach jitters that another lifetime loser who ages backwards may not be neglected as much as we’re hoping…

Best Button Bashing From The Comments

On Oscar day, we here at the O.A.B.B.C. thought it would be appropriate to pull a small sampling of the best vitriol from the comments we’ve received here since the site started and create a sort of “Coles Notes Of Button Loathing.”

Kim: I was bored within the first five minutes and it was all downhill from there.  Am cheering for a big fat Zero wins at the Oscars tonight.

Mike: I like most children and even love a few. There’s even a soft spot for movie and TV kids. When the Button old-man/baby bit the dirt, all I could say was thank God.
Forget “run Forest run”, the new catchphrase is die Button baby die… This was no movie…This was the collective water-boarding of a theater of the damned.

Andrew: Plot twist after mindless plot twist, this self-consciously bloated pic deserves to be denied an Oscar. 13 denials. Then the next day it should be taken out back and shot for it’s ‘look at me I am an Oscar epic movie’ pretense!

Heather: If Button wins an Oscar I vow to never watch again! I hated the cheap plot devices of that stupid journal, the daughter and the horrid hospital room, drabble drabble drabble.

Deedee: I hope you eat crow when Button wins the Oscar.

dc: BB is nothing more than good makeup and CGI. Pitt can’t act for peanuts, and the story is boring as hell.

Debbie: I hated this movie and regret that I spent any time watching it. Time that I will not get back. It really is the worst films I have seen since The Majestic.

Kuljeet: I don’t like Brad Pitt as an old man – I did not need to see that. He looks like a bald tiny David Letterman in the top picture. I think they should have casted an actor who isn’t a pretty boy – I like Pitt with guns and his top off. I think this movie says alot about life but it doesn’t work with Brad.

Casey: Benjamin Button ages backwards, but he’s still boring as all hell.

Hummingbirdh8tr: The first time I ever wanted to punch a leathery baby was when I saw this movie!

Ran: It’s nominated for HOW many awards ????????? I sure hope it doesn’t win just cos Brad Pitt is in it. He’s hollywoods golden boy but hasn’t done anything worth while in a LONG time.

Cheers to all of you for sharing your disgust with Mister Button and keep the brave words coming…  See you tonight at 5pm PT / 8pm ET!

Tonight 8pm ET / 5pm PT – Live ButtonBlogging Cinematic History: 0-13!

Witness an historic disaster.  Be part of history.  Tune in to this website tonight to share in one of two exciting events:

1. Benjamin Button goes down as the biggest loser of all-time (officially, that is.  unofficially, it has held that title since its release)
2. The creators of this website will become livid as Button DOES win an Oscar and quickly unleash an unspeakable tirade of loathing and disgust towards the Academy members.

Either way, sounds like the O.A.B.B.C. will be an ideal companion for Oscar Sunday.